How to Stop Basing Your Worth on Achievements (and Find Peace)
Your Genuine Self
Have you ever wondered how some people just radiate with self-confidence, while others may shrink when in a room full of peers? It's not simply that they're “extroverted” or just born with innate confidence–but that they value themselves as they truly are.
When I work with clients on building self esteem, we start with the basic question of: what is self esteem? The general definition is that self-esteem is one’s opinion of themselves. Whether someone thinks highly of themselves, or views their existence as worthless that is their self esteem.
How I typically break this down even further is expanding on a concept from Dr. Gabor Maté on genuine vs contingent self-esteem (Maté, 2018):
Contingent self-esteem is when we find our worth in achievements, relationships, situations, or goals. Rarely are we satisfied with accomplishments because at the center of those moments is an inner voice telling you, “You're not doing enough.”
Genuine self-esteem on the other hand is when you still hit those achievements or goals but it's all aligned with your true values. This is where we genuinely feel connected to our authentic self and move through life with confidence. We notice a shift in our inner voice that we start to believe, “I am enough as I am.”
Values vs Goals
I wrote another blog last year on identifying and living into your values, exploring the steps to feel more fulfilled in life. In summary, our values make up our moral compass through life. They guide us forward in life while keeping us connected to our authentic self.
Values are directly linked to our confidence level, which also correlates with our self esteem. When we know what we value in life, the actions that follow show how much we value ourselves. If you want to start talking to yourself with kindness, label your values first. If you want to feel more confident in situations, take actions that support it.
Values followed by committed action will bring you closer to yourself. For example:
If one of your core values is “caring” then you start seeking out ways to show you care about others in your life.
When you turn that action inward and show the same care to yourself, you start to shift the internal opinion of how you see yourself.
Your self worth naturally improves when you put more “care” into the way you carry yourself daily.
5 Standards Exercise
What are your standards for yourself? Maybe it's to always be kind to others. Try to treat others fairly. Be mindful of communication with others. Show respect to everyone you interact with. And whatever else makes up your character as a person.
If you've never thought about it though, I encourage you to write out what your 5 standards are right now based on the following prompts:
How do I act when I am by myself?
What do I want my friends to feel about me when we're together?
When would someone know that I am comfortable around them (thinking about my behaviors)?
What ways do I show up for myself in my intimate relationship (past or present)?
How do I present in professional settings?
The list of standards are your “non-negotiables” in life. They emphasize the ways you honor yourself. They are the foundation for building your self esteem. Your standards are the essence of your self-image and how you show up in various aspects of your life.
Nobody else can set your standards, because nobody can be like you. You are finding ways to show up for yourself every day. Whether that's in relationships, finding a balance with work and personal life, and embracing your quality time alone. Across the board you deserve to be your genuine self–and feel confident in that image.
Shift Towards Self-Kindness
Being a human means you are going to make mistakes. It means people are going to judge you. And it means you are going to suffer emotionally some days.
But the beauty of humanity is also embracing the wins that come with progress. And being kinder to yourself on the days that are challenging you the most. While also laughing in misery with your friends because nobody is perfect.
Changing the way you talk to yourself is an ever-evolving process towards self-compassion, especially if your inner critic has held the main stage for years. Start with small acts of kindness each day that show how much you care about yourself. When we think or speak lovingly about ourselves, we feel more accomplished to tackle anything life throws at us.
That resiliency and self-validation is what truly helps build a foundation for our genuine self-esteem to take shape. As human beings, we are flawed and imperfect—but that doesn’t mean we are less than.
Showing yourself compassion daily means you are loving yourself as you are, no excuses. You deserve to feel loved by yourself. Start interrupting those shame-based thoughts holding you back today, they don’t need to keep taking up space in your mind.
Your worth doesn’t have to be based in your accomplishments, but it should reflect your personal standards.
Reach out today if seeking more guidance and tools on building your self-esteem with a licensed therapist so that you can enjoy the good times in life as they come to you!
References:
Gabor Maté, The Return to Ourselves: Trauma, Healing, and the Myth of Normal (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2018), 6 compact discs.
