The Unspoken Grief of Life Transitions
Change can feel scary, difficult, bring a lot of unknown with it, and yet it’s also inevitable. Change is the one constant we have as human beings. We are always changing, growing, and evolving through different seasons of our lives. Sometimes those changes are positive and happy experiences, like when we purchase a new home. And other times those changes are due to tragic circumstances such as the sudden loss of a loved one.
One thing that I think gets overused a lot during life transitions, the good and bad times, is hearing the phrase “You’ll be okay. It will get better.” Whether you’re struggling with grief or overwhelmed with new stressors, this phrase tends to take away from the present moment. It projects the sense that what you’re feeling presently is not okay, or that you should be feeling a different type of way.
Through change, and especially life transitions, there is this undercurrent of grief. That big and scary emotion that we all struggle with navigating. I think what makes grief so complicated for most folks is that it encompasses a multitude of emotions (i.e. anger, anxiety, sadness). And when we already have trouble processing one of those emotions independently, the flood of several at once can be too much. We shut down or distract ourselves in often unhealthy ways.
Did you know that we are naturally exposed to grief as early as our infant years? When you were separated from your parents getting dropped off at daycare or lost your parents at the store–that’s grief surfacing. It is such a strong emotion, layered in with the attachment to your parental figures, that it becomes overwhelming to cope with at such a young age.
So as we get older, we tend to develop this fear of things changing around us. Some people gravitate towards the unknown, the risk-takers in life if you will, but even those individuals are not immune to the grief of change that comes with transitions in life.
The process of grieving looks different person to person, and this blog is not going in depth regarding the grief of a loved one. But rather recognizing the grief that accompanies major life transitions in general. We cannot compare grief, nor should we even try. But the path to working through grief looks similar regardless of the circumstances. So let’s walk through it together.
Working With Grief
J. William Worden is a Psychologist who developed an alternative theory to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s Stages of Grief. He provided a framework that focuses on “The Four Tasks of Mourning”, which I find more applicable to grief on a spectrum rather than only isolating grief to the death of someone.
The four core tasks of mourning are as follows:
Accept the reality of the loss. This goes deeper than simply acknowledging the logistics of what has now changed in your life. It can involve a radical acceptance of how we cannot change what has happened, but we must shift towards accepting reality as it is in the present moment.
Process the pain of grief that is surfacing. Sitting with the emotional discomfort is often where people tend to avoid or numb when it comes to grief. This task focuses on learning how to express the range of emotions that are associated with grief (i.e. anger, anxiety, or sadness).
Adjusting to life in the aftermath of loss. After a major change in our life, we go through adjustments that can be hard to navigate. We must work to adjust, on our own timeframe, how our physical and emotional realms may be different now. The biggest adjustment in this task is typically within our sense of self and how that may be altered.
Find an enduring connection. This last task (but not final in the grief process) encourages ways to maintain a connection with the loss, whether that is a loved one or your past self. Try discovering ways that you can continue to honor or find gratitude in the change, yet recognizing that you will always carry some emotional pain along the way.
It’s important to note that these four tasks are not meant to be completed in a linear order and then you’re healed. They are simply a guide to return to over and over again, helping you work through the heaviness of whatever grief is present during a life transition.
When we go through a major life transition, such as marriage, divorce, job loss, major surgery, moving states, friendships dissipating, and so many more situations, we are faced with grief head on. If we don’t begin accepting the inevitable change, that grief grows stronger and we may struggle with finding ourselves on the other end of it.
All of this isn’t to say that other positive emotions won’t also be present during life transitions–you can have the duality of feelings with anything you experience in life. You may feel the grief of loss and also the relief of suffering. You may notice sadness with separation, but also finding joy in your hobbies again.
Learning to regulate our emotions is an ever-evolving process, so it’s helpful to know how to feel most productive in the moment of it. Rather than feeling stuck later on.
Do The Work
Here are some journal prompts to help guide you through your grief during whatever life transition you are currently experiencing:
What am I worried about letting go of?
What am I not accepting right now?
What emotions am I noticing when I am by myself?
How can I stay connected to myself (i.e. hobbies, interests, etc.) during this life transition?
What areas of my life am I going to have to make the most adjustments with?
Who is my support system during this change?
How can I build trust within myself again?
What are some ways I show myself compassion weekly?
How am I growing through this change?
If you’re wanting to begin working through grief on a deeper level, or struggling with a life transition then I encourage you to reach out today to schedule a consultation to begin your healing journey.
Change is hard, but you have made it through change so many times before.
