Why Can’t I Stop Drinking?
Understanding How Early Life Experiences Can Impact Addictive Behaviors
Addiction is a symptom. Binge drinking on the weekends isn’t normal. Having 2-3 glasses of wine every night isn’t healthy to “unwind” from a stressful day. Needing to have another drink, even though you’re already feeling buzzed means you’ve lost control. This may sound harsh, but a big component with addictive behaviors is rationalizing that we are deserving of this substance, or that we need it in some way.
Why me? Why can’t I drink normally? you might find yourself asking. What makes it that some people can take or leave alcohol, and then turn it off as though it never happened? How do some people drink socially while others begin to crave it weekly? There are multiple answers to these questions, but at the simplicity of it all: it’s because of your risk factors and attachment patterns.
When we find ourselves drinking on week nights, over-consuming alcohol when out with friends, or lying about how much we’re drinking to our partner. It breeds this sense of shame and isolation. We are worried that we’re going to lose control of it, so we actively try to set limits by “only drinking socially” or “no alcohol during the week.” But those efforts are usually short lived because at that point, we’re trying to control the drinking rather than address the source.
I am not implying that everyone who struggles with addiction–whether substance or behavioral– experienced childhood trauma, but there is a strong correlation between developmental trauma and addictive patterns in adulthood.
What is Developmental Trauma?
Developmental trauma occurs during our critical developmental periods in childhood. It results in psychologically based issues that are due to inadequate nurturing and guidance from our attachment figures (i.e. parents). During this phase of life, when we are struggling to understand our role within the family and feeling more activated than safe (aka fight-or-flight responses are “on”). Then this forms chronic patterns that may lead to psychological deficits in adolescence and adulthood.
With our body and brain struggling to comprehend what is happening around us, it leads to a sense of disconnection within us. This is what typically transitions to the onset of mental illnesses such as ADHD, Anxiety, OCD, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, etc. It also feeds into how to seek out external stimuli to cope with what is happening within us emotionally, thus leading to a higher risk of developing an addiction.
Laurence Heller (Clinical Psychologist, Author, International Trainer) provides a framework to recognize the difficulties developed with experiencing developmental trauma when these 5 core needs are not being met in early childhood.
Connection: this is our capacity to be in touch with our body and emotions, as well as connection with others
Attunement: this is our capability to attune to our needs and emotions, while also recognizing when to reach out for, or take in, emotional and physical nourishment
Trust: this is our capacity for healthy independence and interdependence
Autonomy: this is our capacity to set appropriate boundaries, say “No” and set limits, and speak our minds without fear or guilt
Love: this is our capacity to love with an open heart, and integrate a loving relationship in adulthood
When any of these five needs are not met, neglected, or conditional from our main attachment figure (i.e. parents), then we begin to show difficulty in various areas in our life as a result. We ultimately learn how to survive based on the information we are receiving from our parents. Let me explain what that looks like:
When our source of connection is not being met, or we witness disconnection within the home, as we grow through life we may start to isolate ourselves more. This may also lead to us struggling to relate or connect with others, so we start “masking” ourselves and build inauthentic relationships in our life.
If our need for attunement is often rejected, then we may begin to mislabel our feelings and have difficulty knowing what we need from others. This may turn into us struggling to regulate our emotions and expressing “anger” when in reality we are feeling “hurt.”
Understanding trust is something that is implicitly learned during childhood. If we experience a sense of distrust or betrayal during our formative years, this leads to the development of needing to control things in our lives. Oftentimes, we struggle with trusting ourselves in situations as well.
When children don’t have a healthy concept of autonomy, or that sense of self is taken away, then people-pleasing behaviors begin to surface. This leads to difficulty setting boundaries, low self-esteem, and resentments begin building in various relationships.
Our awareness of love is learned early on, through direct and indirect behaviors from our family members. When this is not present, neglected, or we experience a questioning of how we receive love from our attachment figures, then our self-esteem becomes based on performance of our behaviors. For example, “If I do this, then they’ll stay.”
Initially, how we learn to survive when our basic needs are not being met are adaptive. However, they become limiting as adults. While they helped us survive as children, they turned into rigid beliefs about ourselves and the world.
The Healing
Regardless of how your addiction developed, or needing to know the why. Focus on how to take care of yourself by:
Fostering meaningful relationships and attachments (connection)
Build a balanced routine that supports your needs (attunement)
Lean on others for support, and learn how to trust your gut again (trust)
Hold boundaries that align with the life you are creating for yourself (autonomy)
Cultivate love in all areas of your life, i.e. relationships, the quality of work you do, your hobbies, and yourself (love)
Narrowing it down to the main components of human survival: connection and authenticity. This is where the real work happens to repair those neglected core needs in adulthood. Blaming your parents, or past experiences, will not change your future. But how you learn to connect with yourself and honor your individuality is what helps rewire your brain from maladaptive coping skills.
